I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
