i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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