I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
