I have demons in me.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
