guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
