Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
