I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
