I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
