Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
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It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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