I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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