mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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