I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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