i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
