Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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