i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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