I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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