btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
