My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
