I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
