It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
