I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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