my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
