I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Acid is not a monday night drug
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize