saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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