Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There's always time for handjobs
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
