I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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