Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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