the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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