Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
