I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
