I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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