Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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