Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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