I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
