I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
