Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
