i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
