one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
