he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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