id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
