I wish my penis had an off switch
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
