Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
