i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
