rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
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We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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