Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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