I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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