he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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