Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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