saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
