You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
