He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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