as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
