You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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