I think I died a long time ago.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
