I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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