Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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