Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
