He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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